


No Going Back

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Points of View, Season/Series 04, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-06
Updated: 2004-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian thinks back on events that happen in 408.Major 408 spoiler!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

As soon as I slammed the door, I felt my world start to crumble. I wanted to open the door and scream for him not to go. Not to go anywhere ever again. But I couldn't because sooner or later I knew he'd leave. Maybe not right away but eventually he'd leave.

I heard him sobbing quietly on the other side of the door. It took all my strength (and let me tell you there isn't much fucking left) to not open that damn door and hold him close. So I just let him sit on the ground and cry, soon enough he got up and I heard him taking the stairs. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door only to find that he had forgotten his backpack and those stupid dvd's we could be watching together if I hadn't...well I can't think about that. 

I gently started picking up his things, bringing them inside. I shut the door and locked it before sitting down on the couch. I went through his bag, I don't know maybe I was expecting to find some fucking thing that proved that he was going to leave me in the end or something that showed his pity on me. I didn't find it. All I found was a few text books, a sketchpad, some pencils and a PIFA sweatshirt. Again I went through the stack of dvd's trying to find the same thing. There was nothing. I felt tears in my eyes which is unusual because i'm Brian Kinney. I don't fucking cry. If Justin were here now he would...and then it hit me. Justin was never fucking comine back. I had pushed him to far this time. For what? He didn't even fucking understand why I had done it. It's all just so fucked up. And there's no going back now. 


	2. No Going Back

Oh my god, I'm dying. Not on the outside but on the inside. My heart feels like it's been ripped to shreads. I can't even see anymore because I've cried so much that my eyes have swelled up. What am I suppose to do now? What am I suppose to fucking do now!? I love him so much that i'd fucking cut off my own testicle and give it to him if that'd help. I'd do anything for him, even die for him. Which is what I think is happening to me. Nothing is the same. All I see is black and grey. The color in my life has litteraly been erased.

I hear Daphne in the kitchen, throwing her bag down and grabbing something out of the fridge. "Justin?" 

I sigh. I try to lift my head from the pillow but all that comes out is a strangled cry followed by more tears. 

"Justin you okay?" She asks coming into my room. As soon as she sees me she sits on the bed and puts a hand on my back. Trying to give me comfort or something. I will never find that again. "What's wrong?" 

I open my mouth but realize that as soon as I do horrible cries will come out, so I shut it again. 

"What happened? Are you hurt? Do you need to go to the hospital? Maybe I should call Brian. Where's your cell phone?" Daphne is panicking. 

I swallow hard. "No!" 

She jumps a little at my outburst. 

"No." I say quieter, trying to control my breathing. 

"Justin?" She is pleading. 

Wiping my eyes a bit, I sit up. "Brian, he....he..." I don't know if I can vocalize it. 

"He what?" 

I strangle out another cry. "Broke up with me. Kicked me out." 

"What?! I'm shocked!?" Well no shit sherlock. I was too. "Why?" 

I couldn't tell her. Even with what has happened I respect Brian's wishes. "I heard something I wasn't suppose to." I tear up again. 

"Oh, Jus." She hugs me until everything fades to black. 


	3. No Going Back

Groaning I hear a banging at my door. "Fucking A." I shout and painfully trudge to the door. I suck in a breath and pull back with all my might till the door finally opens. There in front of me is a very wet looking Daphne.

"Why Daphne you look radiant today." I smile though I feel like i'm dying. 

"Cut the bullshit Kinney." She replies flatly, pulling my door shut. 

I just raise an eyebrow, sit down and wait to hear what she has to say. 

She takes a deep breath. "Whatever the fuck you did or didn't do to Justin, I want you to apologize. I want you to come over and say you didn't mean what you said when you kicked him out." 

"I did what I had to do." I reply cooly. 

Her face holds a death glare. "By kicking him out! He's a wreck! I come home and he can barely even get out of bed. All he did was cry and cry until he finally fell asleep." 

"Well he had it coming. Besides I'm sure he told you all about my situation anyways." 

"All he said was you kicked him out." She replies. 

"Your lying. That little shit probably couldn't wait to go home and tell you how Brian Kinney is no longer perfect! How he's sick! How he might die!" I blow up. 

The look of anger disappears from her face, replace by one of horror. "What?" 

That's when I knew he didn't utter a word to anyone. "He didn't tell you, did he?" I say softer. 

She shakes her head no. 

I nodded embarrassed for feeling this vulnerable in front of a 19 year old girl. "I have been diagnosed with cancer." 

She swallows and waits a few moments. "So you...you kick Justin out?" 

I know it sounds stupid. "I didn't want him to have to see me, to put up with me." That's the honest to God truth. 

"But he wants to. He wants to be here!" She yells back. 

I swallow hard. "Well he can't." 

"Because you make all the decisions. You decide what's right for everyone no matter what they think. News flash Kinney, Justin fucking loves you. He loves you! Sometimes more than you deserve." 


End file.
